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Breaking news .... this just in!

Scientists just discovered a cure for baldness. Preparation H It doesn't grow hair, but it shrinks your head to fit what's left
 

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Discussion Starter #602
A duck waddles into the small grocery store and asks the grocer for a grape. The grocer plucks a grape from a bunch and gives it to the duck. The duck eats the grape and waddles out of the store and returns a short time later and asks for another grape. The grocer gives the duck a grape and the little fellow eats it and runs off only to return later asking again and again for more and more grapes until the grocer becomes annoyed and scolds the greedy little duck. "Listen duck" he shouts, I have given you grapes for the last 2 hours! Here is your last grape! Eat it and piss off! If you return here again asking for a friggin grape I'm going to get a hammer and nails and nail your little duck feet to the friggin floor! The frightened duck eats the grape and runs off only to return soon afterwards to ask the grocer. "Excuse me sir" do you have any nails?? The grocer answers "no"
The duck replies " well how about a few more grapes then" you prick!!
 

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Dirt Wizard
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We moved away from the snake subject I know.
But I thought you poms and yanks might be interested in the eastern brown they caught down near @AusPete 's stomping ground a couple days ago.
This deadly bugger is huge and bloody healthy to.
I thought the one we had hiding behind the old thunderbox out west when I was a teen was a big bastard, but this one takes the cake.
 

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Dirt Wizard
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So many jokes in the crap pile, have we told this one yet??

3 ducks walk into a bar. The bartender welcomes them and starts to make conversation with the first duck.
"So what's your name"
The first duck replies "Huey"
"How's your day been Huey?" the bartender asks.
"Great, awesome day, had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What more could a duck want?" Replies Huey.
"Very good" says the bartender, he then turns to the 2nd duck and ask's "So what's your name?"
"Bluey" replies the second duck.
"How was your day Bluey" the bartender asks.
"Have had a blast,"Bluey replies, "I too have been in and out of puddles all day, what more could a duck want?"
"Excellent" replies the bartender.
He then turns to the third duck, "So what's your name, let me guess.........Louie?"
"No" she replies battering her eyelashes. "My name is puddles"
 

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Dirt Wizard
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There's no political correctness here right???
This one might be pushing it though.....


I went to my first Muslim birthday party the other day.
Musical chairs was a bit slow and boring, but bugger me, pass the parcel went bloody quick....
 

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There's no political correctness here right???
This one might be pushing it though.....


I went to my first Muslim birthday party the other day.
Musical chairs was a bit slow and boring, but bugger me, pass the parcel went bloody quick....
One foot out the door with that one mate!
I'll join ya, So I accidentally butt dialed a suicide hotline, turns out it was a long distance call to Afghanistan. They got super excited and asked me if I knew how to drive a truck?
 

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Engineers

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' So I took the bike."
The second engineer thinks for a minute and then nods approvingly. "Good choice." he says "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways.
 

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I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”
“You tell me?” replied my wife.
I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”
“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”
I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?
 

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Take my wife ... Please!

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
 

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Dirt Wizard
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One foot out the door with that one mate!
I'll join ya, So I accidentally butt dialed a suicide hotline, turns out it was a long distance call to Afghanistan. They got super excited and asked me if I knew how to drive a truck?
Geez, you might be one foot further with that one.......
A fraction more tasteful:

An Aussie bloke was on his way down to the pub when he sighted an afghan bloke on a balcony 5 stories up shaking a carpet rug. He yelled "what's wrong Abdul, won't the bastard start?"
 

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Aussie bloke huh? This is what I know ...

In the USA sheep are $40 a head, in Australia they are $40 an hour
"That was the most awesome sex ever," Bogan Tom said sheepishly.
 

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Dirt Wizard
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Aussie bloke huh? This is what I know ...

In the USA sheep are $40 a head, in Australia they are $40 an hour
"That was the most awesome sex ever," Bogan Tom said sheepishly.
Is that how it is ay....
Here's one for ya,

A fuel station in Halifax was trying to increase it's sales. So the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex With Fill-Up."
Soon a Canadian pulls in, fills his tank, and then asks for his free sex.
The attendent tells him to pick a number from 1 to 10 if he guesses correctly, he will get his free sex.
The Canadian says, "7" The attendent says, "You were close, sir, but the number was 6. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same Canadian, along with his buddy, pulls in for a fill up. Again he asks for his free sex and again the station attendent gives him the same story and asks him to guess the correct number. The Canadian says, "5" The attendent says, "Sorry, it was 4. You were so close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the Canadian says to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." The buddy replies,"No, it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
 

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Aussie bloke huh? This is what I know ...

In the USA sheep are $40 a head, in Australia they are $40 an hour
"That was the most awesome sex ever," Bogan Tom said sheepishly.
Damn, I almost think we have a real celebrity in the forum. (y)
 

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Two Bogans were walking down the tracks. They encounter a mangy old dog sitting in the middle of the tracks, contorted into that weird position and licking his private parts. One Bogan says wistfully, “Gee, I wish could do that.” His companion replies, “Well, maybe you should start by petting him first.”

How many Aussies does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to drink til the room spins.

My wife asked me rather loudly the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me?

There are 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench.
A man in a trench-coat walks by and flashes them.
2 of the old ladies have a stroke.
The other one couldn't reach that far.

A wife calls her husband and says "be careful driving home, just heard on the radio some complete moron is driving down the wrong side of the road."
The husband replies "there's not just one, there's bloody hundreds of them!"
 

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Dirt Wizard
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One Saturday morning a fisherman from Florida was getting ready to go fishing.
He was moving quietly so he would not wake his wife, got dressed, filled the esky with beer, and slipped quietly into the garage. He hooked the boat up to the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be lousy all day.
He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. He cuddled up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." She replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
 

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A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
 

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Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.


The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”
The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”
The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”
The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.
The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”
The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”
 

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Heard on the news that apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.

What month do women talk less? February... because it has the least number of days!
For me tho it's April ... that's because my anniversary, which I regularly forget, is in late March.

I'm addicted to placebos ... I could quit but it wouldn't matter.

Today someone called me an uncultured swine ..... I don't even know what that means?
 

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Discovering a very large gorilla in a tree beside his house, a homeowner scans the phone book for "gorilla removal service".
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there".
An hour later the Gorilla remover shows up with a stick, a mean ratty looking Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.
He then gives the homeowner some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the Gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, this angry Chihuahua is trained to bite the testicles off of anything that falls out of that tree. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
The homeowner asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
He replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
 
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